How to Get (Over) A Guy in Ten Days

I was driving a friend home one night, and we had been talking about guys we were interested who had (surprise, surprise) not returned the favor.
I had been a little sidetracked when she asked, "How long do you think it'll take us?"
"What? To get to your place?"
"No. To get over them."

I didn't have an answer for her then.
I do now.
10 Days

Here's how:

Day 1: Get mad. If he was a jerk in the process or has earned most of the blame for things being sour, get mad at yourself first. (You know you're going to, anyway, so you may as well get it over with.) Just don't be too harsh. Recognize any errors you may have made and resolve to learn from them. However, if your actions (or lack thereof) are responsible for the rift, get mad at him first.

Day 2: Get mad. Get mad at whomever you didn't before. During whichever day you are mad at him, remove him from your speed dial and discard or destroy any objects that may have sentiments attached to them. Within reason, of course. If he bought you a bike, I wouldn't throw it under a bus or anything. But that photo of you two he framed for your birthday? Burn it. (Photos look really cool when they're lit on fire, by the way. Just sayin'.) But don't get carried away. Get your bestest bestie gal pal to help you with this step; it's vital to not do anything you may regret later. Don't be afraid to make up reasons to get mad if you have to. No joke, I got mad at a guy one time because he was too nice about turning me down. "Why couldn't he just be a jerk about it so I could hate him? Or at least be mad at him." His being nice only made it harder to not like him. (Guys, please take note of that. It's why girls dig bad boys. But that's another list.)

Days 3 and 4: Get sad. These are the days when it's okay to hurt, and it's ok to cry. And make sure your box of tissues is one of the premium kind. Just so you know, during these days, you are excused from calorie counting, so it 'em up, sista! Invade Baskin Robbins, Coldstone and your local grocer's freezer, stock up on chocolate and any number of romantic movies or books that make you cry and curl up on the couch. All day if you can. Top it all off with a nice soundtrack of breakup music.  I reccomend Adele, Kelly Clarkson, and Mindy McReady (if you do country).

Days 5 and 6: Get melancholy. Get mopey and miss him. These are the days to think about what might have been. These are the days to play the "What If Only" game. Just remember that once the timer's out, though, game's over. These are the days to notice every little thing that reminds him of you, from songs to movie quotes/references to restraunts, even to the brand of yogurt you have for breakfast. "He always did laugh at those Yoplait commercials." (You think that's a stretch, but here's a true train of thought I had in a boookstore on one of these days: "The title of that book is the title of the song he put his arm around me during the last concert we went to.")
Note that it will be easier to find melancholical inspiration if you leave the house.


Day 7: Get bitter. Hate his friends for introducing you, hate his new girlfriend for stealing him away from you, hate his mother for allowing him to be born. Hate any woman who has found her Prince Charming. Hate any man who is someone's knight in shining armor. (Even if he's gay.) Glare at every couple you see holding hands, even if they're 79. Walk around with Cupid in a noose. Hate fishermen because they remind you of how many times your friends, family and well-meaning facebook associates have told you there are other fish in the sea. Today is the only day you get to complain about never finding The One.

I offer one word of caution, and it's the reason I allow only one day to be bitter: you don't want your bitterness to be what defines you in the eyes of your peers. That's also why I put it towards the tail end of the process. By now, your heartbreak is last week's news and only your friends and the most judgemental gossips are still paying attention to how you're handling the situation. Even so, I still encourage using discretion in selecting the few you choose to be bitter around.

Days 8 and 9: Get beautiful! Get back! Get better! Get yourself all dolled up in that little black dress with shoes as red as your new lipstick (You know I sell Mary Kay, right? Hint, hint, wink, wink, nudge, nudge) and hit the town! Hold that fabulous head of yours up high and show the world what he's missing. Flirt with his best single friends, right under his nose if you can. No better time to hit the gym and work off days 3 & 4. Run so fast you leave him in the dust.

Day 10: Get over him. Today, he becomes your history. Today is the day you think of him the same way you think of your neighbor's childhood dog: it was a sweet little thing, but it really was time for it to go. Today, you stop trying to get over him; you already are. You stop hoping you'll be able to get back to "normal" because you realize that this is your new normal. And Life becomes as you know it rather than how you knew it.