Period Humor

Just what it sounds like. If you get squeamish or can't handle reading commentary on natural, human, femaley functions, come back some other time.

1. The first speeding ticket I ever got was in Nebraska. My first time driving in the state, too. I was on my way to visit a friend for spring break (oddly enough, Nebraska is not the strangest place I've been on spring break). It happened to be "that time of the month" for me, and I was driving alone. For ease of access, I left the package of pads on the passenger seat and would grab one as needed throughout the trek.
In Nebraska, I was driving faster than the posted limit because my phone battery was about to die and I was supposed to call my friend at a certain checkpoint so she could meet me at another one and I'd follow her home. Goes to show how young and stupid I was, right. Nowadays, I turn the phone off until I get to the checkpoint. Back to the point, I came over a hill without naturally slowing down as I had been when, whadd'ya know, there's a cop. I was technically going 13 over and knew he had me. Out of state plates, going that much over, it being towards the end of February, all added up to me not getting out of this.
I watched him take my license and registration back to his car before I looked over at my passenger seat. That's when I saw the package sitting there. I was slightly mortified until I realized I would then be the joke of the stationhouse. "Oh, yeah, you had some lady cry and tell you she was on her way to get Midol? I had one who left the whole pack of lady stuffs all over her seat."
On the plus side, he knocked it down to the lower bracket for me.

I told my host friend and family the story, only to discover that county never lets anyone go. (Must run in the family; same thing happened to my mom the day she bought our van from my uncle's dealership.) Not only that, but it happened about 10 miles from the county line. If I had been pulled over in the other county, my name would have shown up in their hometown police blotter section of the weekly newspaper. Mom would have been so proud of that clipping.

2. I once told a guy my initial reason for being turned off to Twilight, which he was semi-fond of. "It just doesn't make sense that he can't be around her because the scent of her blood escapes from a paper cut. What does he do for a week every month?"
"I had never thought of that."
"Of course not; you're a guy."

3. In the summer of 2010, there was a group ride dubbed Two-Wheel Tuesdays. One of the regular riders was known to fall approximately every 9 miles. It became a running joke that the ride wasn't over until he was bleeding.
One week, there were only 4 of us riding. I was the only girl, and it was a short ride because of the weather. After the ride, one of the guys mentioned the Bleeder hadn't bled, so he didn't feel like the ride was really over. Then he asked if I wanted to hang out for a little while.
"I can't," I said, knowing I needed to get home to change, and not just my skunked up riding shirt.
He pressured, asking if I was sure.
"I'm sure," I said.
He looked as though he felt an explanation were necessary, so I gave him one.
"You know how you said the ride wasn't over because nobody was bleeding?"
"Yeah."
"Well, somebody was bleeding on the ride."
The enentertainment of watching a bachelor process such a statement was surpassed only by his putting it all together.

4. I worked with a kid at a fast food place while he was in high school. "DJ" was a really good kid; having 4 sisters and parents who instill a work ethic in you will do that to you, I guess. One night, he was in charge of cleaning the bathrooms and was just finishing up mopping the ladies bathroom when I went back there to use it. I told him, "I'll get the little nasty bags for ya." He was confused, so I pointed to one and said, "You see that little metal thing next to the toilet paper?"
"Yeah."
"What do you think those are used for?"
Again, the man had to think about it before his face contorted and he said, "EEEwww!! Geez, why'd you have to tell me that?" His face was so comical!
I laughed and said, "Why do you think I said I'd get them for you?"
After that night, we began to call them "lady bags."

5. There was one night I was working with another guy at that same fast food place.  There came a point in the evening when I had to use the facilities to change something, so I went as soon as I found an opening in the orders.  My guy friend teased me and said he had been holding it longer; he should get to go first.  I looked at him as I took my apron off and said with a smirk, "I have to go to the bathroom for reasons you'll never have to!"  I received no further argument.