I had an epiphany the other day during a chance occasion in Relief Society. (With three families gone on vacation, we combined again.) A comment by a woman made me realize that she needs her husband, and, from what she's said elsewhere, he needs her. I'm talking about an actual need, not just a really deep desire. They are not equipped to do what they would need to do without each other. I've seen other relationships where the couples simply cannot live without the other. And they don't. (They die within three years of each other.)
That is not what I am looking for in a marriage. And I'll admit, I sometimes judged people who were looking for that. I don't want someone to need me so badly they can't live without me. I don't want to need someone so badly that I can't survive without them. But it occurred to me for the first time on Sunday that some people are looking for that. That some people need to be needed. Maybe it's because they don't have enough confidence to believe that someone would want them without needing them. Maybe it's because their giving muscle is so large that it needs to be constantly exercised by someone needing them.
Whatever the reason, there are some people who need to be needed and some people who need to be wanted. Although I'm glad this is something I understand about myself and others, I do wish it hadn't taken me this long to learn it. No matter how much I want someone, I am never going to need them. No matter how much I love someone, I know that I can happily live again without them. My great-grandmother was a widow for forty years. My grandmother only survived three. I know that, when it comes to a romantic perspective, I am more like the former. I would rather be in a relationship with someone who wants me rather than needs me, and it would be unhealthy for me to be in a relationship with someone who needs someone to need them.
File this under things I wish I had known five years ago.
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