So maybe I lied...

I remember being a junior in high school and stating on paper that I would never work in fast food.

Where am I now?

I don't care if Panera is considered "fast-casual" or not. You pay before you eat it-it's fast food. I really meant the food service industry when I said that. Either way, it's always been a part of my life in some way or another. Except for a year or so in college. I guess I can't help it; I like feeding people. If I could afford it, I'd have the missionaries over for dinner way more often.

That all being said, everything goes through an upheaval in spring.

I was challenged by the Sr. missionaries this week to come up with a fear I have that I can attack by using the power of Jesus Christ. (In a nutshell.) I spent a lot of time thinking "What am I afraid of?" or "What is fear preventing me from doing?" Because fear is not of the Lord, faith is. It took me a while before I could verbalize (put into words) what turns out to be the root fear of all my other ones. I'm afraid I'm going to be like my mother.

That's why I never responded to any proddings from other people to go after promotions within Panera. Because I was afraid I'd end up prioritizing my life the same way my mom did. I found myself telling someone earlier this week that, even when my mom was active on paper, I realized she was never really active in her heart. (I have evidence of this, but most of it is too personal for me to share on a blog.) She spent so many years being one person on Sunday mornings and another person the other 6.5 days of the week. Decades.

She broke more promises than she kept, and I am afraid that trait is inheritable. My greatest fear is that, despite my very best efforts, I'll end up like her. I'm afraid that I'll find myself loving something more than I (claim to) love the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Which is the only way I can think of to explain it.

When the Sr. missionaries came over this week, they shared with me a step-by-step guide they had been given on how to overcome fears. They asked me to pick a fear (because, seriously, who only has one fear) and work on overcoming that one. So this is the fear that I'm choosing: to not become so like my mother.

Basically, here's the plan:
1. Realize that "God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (2 Tim 1:6-7)
2. Have faith that I can overcome this fear. "...let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon MY rock, they cannot prevail....Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not." (D&C 6:34 & 36)
3. Remember that "perfect love casteth out all fear" and that I should "fear not what man can do" in persuading me otherwise. (Moroni 8:16)
4. Take action. Faith, being the opposite of fear, is a principle of action, is it not? (This is going to be the hardest for me.)
5. Pray more.

As mentioned, taking action is going to be the most difficult thing. Between this challenge and a talk given in sacrament meeting today, I came to the conclusion that it was fear keeping me from agreeing to accept a promotion at work. I still don't think it'd be a good idea for me to walk up to one of my superiors and say, out of the blue, "I want to be an assistant." But, with the despairing way things are going, that's going to be really hard not to. Instead, I have a feeling I'll end up e-mailing a person or two with some organized, legitimate items that need to be addressed. Which, combined with some other situations and circumstances, may very well lead to even more changes that may provide an opportunity for me to accept an offer.

However, there are still going to be conditions upon my acceptance. My availability will remain any time except for Sundays (all day) and Wednesday evenings. I will only accept the position under a different GM (which most likely at this point would mean a different store) and the bidding for my 45 hours will start high. A smidgen away from utterly outrageous. Just to prove.

Of course, there will be other, smaller actions that I'll need to take to overcome this fear, but they'll be easy cheesy compared to that big one.