What If Only

I've been thinking lately about some of the different crossroads I've been at throughout the course of my life. And, as a way to avoid thinking about things that are only causing me immense amounts of stress, I've been allowing my mind to wander into thinking about how my life might be different if I had made some different decisions along the way.

I nearly had the opportunity to graduate high school an entire year early, at 16. I'll bet if I had gone in to the guidance counselor's or principal's office, I could have convinced them to let me join that gym class when I had study hall.
But if I had done that, I would have missed out on my senior year and those AP Classes. Sure, I would have graduated with my cousin and my grandma would have been able to have been at my graduation, but where would I have gone to college? How would I have paid for it? I would have missed out on flags and seminary, too.

My freshman year at Briar Cliff, I was like a lot of other people and thinking about transferring. My perfect college still doesn't exist. (I wanted a small school in the upper Midwest, near an LDS chapel and a full time curling rink--not one that's only available on Sundays.) I did some searching, limiting myself to pretty much Wisconsin, Iowa, and Minnesota.
I wonder what would have happened if I had let myself include Nebraska. Would I have stumbled across and considered College of St. Mary's in Omaha? I also remember being told about someone who drove from the other college in Sioux City to YSA stuff in Omaha. What if I had carpooled with him to some stuff? I wonder who I might have met, and if maybe I would have moved to Omaha 3 years earlier than I did.
But I would have missed out on meeting one of my best friends, as well as my experience with the Briar Cliff Review. Would my love for editing have manifested itself if I had been in Omaha those 3 years instead of Sioux City? Not to mention all the stories and lessons I learned from being an RA and involved in RHA. Would I have still had those in Omaha? And what about the people I met in Sioux City? How different would my life be had I not met them, and how different would their lives be if they had not met me?

Even when I made the decision to quit my full time job to "pursue" a "career" in "management" at Panera, I kind of wondered what I was thinking. I thought it was right, but I have since learned I was wrong. I wonder--a LOT--how my life would have been different if I had just stayed put. Working at a pointless job 40 hours a week while enjoying the job I worked 15 hours a week. I would be a lot better off financially, that's for sure. And I wouldn't be as tough-hearted as I am, that's for sure.
But that could have proved disastrous when my car's engine broke and was rendered useless for a month. (Then again, I probably could have afforded to have it fixed sooner and probably would have had vacation/sick time I could have used while waiting.) I wouldn't have been able to walk to work.

When the first roommate I ever chose to live with decided to buy a house, I decided to move with her. I wonder what might have happened if I had stayed in the apartment I loved so much. Because I only lived with her 9 months before my sister moved down here and we got an apartment I like, but like less than my first.

And then there's a question about a choice I made when I moved in with her. I'm not comfortable discussing it on my blog, but I compare the lessons I did learn with the lessons I might have learned had I chose otherwise. Maybe I should have talked to someone when that decision presented itself.



But the decisions I've made have been made. And there will be plenty more crossroads in this life of mine, I'm sure. Here's to hoping I'm ready to make the best of them!