Because of vacations (and my volunteering to teach Gospel Doctrine the first two weeks of the year), it was a few weeks before the Primary President was able to observe me teaching Singing Time. Which was probably good because she had such a sympathetic heart that it might have broken for me had she been there for my first at-bat. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, so change and stress are felt at their extremes during the winter months. Exhaustion also comes more quickly at that time of year. The day before my first solo flight, I had left home at five a.m. to go serve for three sessions in the temple. Then I killed time at a Panera until a friend's afternoon wedding reception before jetting off to catch up with my old writing group (and compose a post for Millennial Mormons). I returned home 19 hours later, just after midnight. My energy level was low.
The theme of the messages in sacrament meeting? Families. Which doesn't bother me like it bothers other singles. So the tears on my face were just the result of exhaustion, and not seeing any member of the Primary Presidency in sacrament meeting. The only other adult I knew I could count on being there was the pianst, who was the anchor speaker. Tears started rolling faster, and had been going on for so long that I knew people had noticed. (Maybe not everyone, but enough.) And because so few in the ward knew of my SAD and what it can do to me, I figured everyone who saw me crying would suppose it was because I'm single and hearing people talk about families. That might be other people, but that's not me. But hardly anyone in the room could be expected to know that. Panic set in, and I knew I would experience a full on attack (which are thankfully rare for me) if I didn't take a breather. Which I did, taking care to leave my bag in the chapel lest Sister E. thought I were abandoning her.
That first Sunday, when Singing Time came, so did the tears. Streaming. All down my face. The entire twenty minutes. Or however long it actually was. I don't even remember how long it felt. What I do remember is seeing a row of three little four year-old girls, all looking at me with the strangest expressions on their pure little faces. So questioning, confused, and compassionate. "Who is this lady? Why is she crying? Why is she smiling at us? Does she even know she's crying? Does she need my help? Wait, is she singing about Jesus right now? I think she wants us to help her sing about Jesus. Why is she still crying? Why is she still smiling? I don't know if this is helping."
I've gotten very good at plugging through life while tears fall, and I like to think that I showed those kids that it's possible to do the right thing even if you're upset or sad. I was smiling because I began to feel a great love for those kids, and I realized that the most important part of my calling is the easiest: loving the children. Whatever else I do or don't do with or for them is secondary.
I don't remember if I cried during Senior Primary, but I do remember telling them one of those first few weeks that I didn't know many of the songs and would need their help in singing them. In fact, I would be counting on it. They know that I expect them to know the songs, or at least try as hard as I am to learn them. And I've seen them rise to that. It's mostly boys, and the ring leaders like to challenge authority (not defy it; just challenge) and I am not afraid to challenge them right back. (Singing all 9 verses of Follow the Prophet without visual aids.)
In March, a new Primary President was called. She had been the first counselor in the Relief Society when I was the secretary (for a whole two months), and her family had made quite the impression on me. Sometimes, when I'm not drawn to the topics being spoken about, I survey the room and think about the kinds of relationships people appear to have within their families and which of the ingredients they use that I want. The W family has a lot of ingredients I want in my family casserole. I'm not delusional and thinking that anyone has it perfect, but the things I see working for them I also envision working for me. Anyway, she was called the week before they were taking a vacation, and the week after that was when I went to KCMO. She caught me in the hallway and said she had been the Music Leader in a previous ward and thought it to be the most challenging calling because it was the only one that didn't provide you with an outline. Just a booklet for teaching Sharing Time that included what song for the annual program to teach the kids that month. If you're lucky, there's tips specifically for the ML, but, by and large, it's you and revelation.
That same conversation, I told her one of my biggest hold ups was that I didn't know which songs the kids knew. I had the list of songs every Primary sang in their annual sacrament program in 2014, and I knew which ones they would be singing in 2015, but that was as extensive as it went. She suggested she do a 'name that tune' game with the younger kids the week I was gone to see what they knew. We met up after I returned, and she gave me a binder that included a photocopied index of the Primary songbook with the songs they knew highlighted. It was like chocolate manna for me!
One thing that I have been doing now that I have more energy (although less time, thanks to biking to work my forty hours every week) is perusing the internet for ideas. I am the kind of person that needs a recipe to prepare anything. Even if I know it by heart. Even if the recipe calls for green olives, but I decide to use black instead. So, this whole not having a lesson schedule thing wasn't working for me. Sister W and I both agree that we're willing to deviate from a plan if need be, but we need a plan to deviate from first. So I've been looking at blogs and seeing what other MLs are doing. If the idea seems feasible for me, I ponder whether it will work for my Primary.
A big difference between me and a lot of other MLs is that I am not a prop person. I don't have a convenient way to print things from the internet; our Primary storage is the windowsill behind the electric piano; I no longer have a car, so anything I use has to withstand five miles of being in a messenger bag (because I refuse to wear a backpack to church). There's a tub of noisemakers and other props that stays in the Nursery for their Music time, for which I am grateful. I also don't think one of the primary purposes of Primary is to "have fun," or be entertained. I believe the main reasons we go to church are to learn of the Gospel and learn of each other. I refuse to worry about whether or not Music time is going to be exciting for the kids. I'm not saying it can't be or that it won't be, but making Primary "fun" is not one of my goals.
At some point along the way, an old friend and his parents visited the branch. In response to my telling them of my calling, the father quipped, "So, you're the Gospel Doctrine teacher in Primary?" It really changed how I looked at my calling. When planning lessons, I began thinking long term. Where are these kids going to be in ten years? This girl might be wondering why boys aren't asking her out, that boy might be in the MTC preparing to serve in Romania. This one might be trying to untie the apron strings and aiming for premature independence; that one might be trying to keep them tied and expecting Mom and/or Dad to answer every question. What principles and doctrines will help them through that, and how can I use music to teach those?
One of my overall goals is to help the Junior Primary (3-8 years) learn the songs and the Senior Primary 9-11) understand the doctrine behind them. I ask the Senior Primary to look up scriptures almost every week and will be incorporating a "Scripture Song" each week so that they can learn the Articles of Faith, the names of the latter-day prophets, and the books of the scriptures. Since all of the older kids can read, I also want to help them learn how to sing from the hymnals so that we can have a few more voices in sacrament meetings.
My point in posting about all of this is because that is what this chapter of my blog will be focused on for the next while. Not necessarily so that others can incorporate any ideas I use (I'll try to provide links to the ideas I get from others), but so that I can remain organized for my own self. When I try something with the kids, I want to try and post about how it went so I can decide if it works for us or not.
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